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shavingryansprivates:

"can i ask you something?"

"you just did"

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nointerrruption:

growing up sucks because you realize $1000 isn’t a lot of money

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zanetehaiden:

Yes mother I have slept for thirteen hours straight but Jesus slept for three days straight and started a religion so I don’t wanna hear it

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bikinipowerbottom:

billiamswheatdown:

ladygagarbage:

when you masturbate twice on the same day

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When you finger yourself while masturbating

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when you try to suck your dick and you break your ribs

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sylviasybil:

zylphiacrowley:

faewild:

smashedindigo:

no one saw me wear it therefore it is not dirty

Schrödinger’s laundry

Alternatively: everyone saw me wear it yesterday, but I own a washing machine so I could’ve washed it since then (I didn’t wash it).

people saw me wearing it yesterday but there will be different people seeing me today therefore it is not dirty

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disloyals:

ordering pizza online is the best technological advancement since the internet itself

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